I Lost MySelf !

I lost myself.. It’s big. And it happens to everyone once in their life. It takes time to gather ourselves and then come back to the place to start life, but some parts are missed, and we always feel.

There are different reasons some have a relationship that breaks them into the deep, loss in business even nowadays failing the exam is also there, but you cannot say that this could not be the reason because if it matters to the person then it matters.

Recently I went through that or can say I got a chance to go to that sea, I was deep and very deep and felt dark that no matter how much I want to survive but every single time I feel going down. Yes, I talked about that and shared my feelings but it helps, not in my case, the moment I am alone I am again in the same place.

That place is all about self criticized, winning, and crying or it’s the ocean of tears, which is getting me down and down day by day. During the criticized things I feel how unimportant I am, yes I have everything but for them I have nothing, they do love me but with reason, if I am not fulfilling their expectations then they just ignore me or aside me.

Is this a Love, relationship? Then I realize people pray to God, in my culture we have billions of gods, and for each thing, there is a different one, so do they love God, No either they are scared or need, then only they pray to him. No one I ever recall says that just love God, without your wanting or something. No one says that God never got angry if you do something bad, God is the only person who accepts you the way you are, I don’t think it mattered to him that did I eat something mistakenly during my fasting days, but I think it does matters to him if I break the heart.

I am in a place where things matter and for me, feelings matter. And when I shared how I heart definitely with the hope that it resolves so they feel I am complaining. Which heart more. So with those things, I thought I lost myself. Who I am and is this me or the world?

It was terrible, I got nobody, I thought about help yes but in my place, doctors are coming from the same zone, they prescribe medicine but I want to be heard only that, listen to me and suggest how to overcome not how wrong I am and I should accept people around me, not at the first place. But did not happen.

At that time Mirror became my friend, strange. I did not notice but I feel someone is there inside who wanted me to go out from this deep dark ocean, don’t know how but started talking to the mirror, the more I talk the more I feel better.

With that mirror I realize what is wrong, the only wrong thing is I am putting the world first and myself second. No matter how much I love everyone but it must be me, as the priority. If I want to expect it, it must be from me.

What I am trying to do, I find myself. It was taking too much time. If the thing is lost and can’t restore, if tried then you will get the piece only

It was not me, who can say it happened. but instead of finding myself, I rebuilt myself, this time the way I want. It is easy. Yeah take time but I am happy that with this 2.0 version of me I fix all the bugs which were causing me issues.no idea of how this will work, for now, I am happy, still around with the same people, and the same situations but this 2.0 are good for me.

So instead of finding Rebuild yourself.

Fun in the life #14

First joke by my smarty pants ๐Ÿคฃ

My son: Amma tell me the vehicle name for which we don’t use hand only wheels…

Me: ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” I thought about automatic one but then I look into him and say no idea you help.

My son: Skates ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ ( while doing skating he asked me that)

I feel so happy to see his face when he feels that he got me with me this

If something happens with you, do share. Keep enjoying life๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

Fun in the life #13

We read books, and my son sees pictures and asks me when he has doubts( he has only doubts๐Ÿคฃ) so today he got the animal book.

My Son: why the elephant is a wild animal. ( Dumbo is a cute one).

Me: Of course he is cute, But when he gets angry, he becomes dangerous. At that time his big feet or trunk can heart human. So it is a wild animal.

My Son: So elephant is cute but when angry he became dangerous.

Me: Right

My Son: amma you are the wild human. when you are happy, you are cute but when you are angry you become dangerous.

Me: Ohh you got it ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

If something happens with you, do share. Keep enjoying life๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

A little hope!

Right now I need hope only hope in my life. I give up on everything, whatever I try I did but nothing I get it.

I did my best in whatever place I was, I try to give my best. As in view give your best that does not matter where you are, if you are in office or kitchen or taking care of kids or doing something which you don’t like But if you are doing give your best. There should be no retreat if I put more effort outcome would be different No give your best and then accept the outcome.

But feels like it is not right at all. I gave my best, and accept the outcome even sometimes with the sacrifices still, I have blamed and that is the person who said he understands me more than anybody. How and why….. After that, I have nothing to say or do.

My kid does not understand anything, he is too innocent. So he came to me and ask what happen and why your not smiling so out of nowhere I just said to him I gave up baby. I feel bad but the words are out and it’s in his mind. Now I am feeling how I am going to erase this thing, I am a bad mother how can I teach my child this.

He ran away and I started thinking about what to do now. What’s done it’s done, you can not change anything but after 15 min he came back with the paper and pen and he said I write you something amma and showed me. I have no words only a big smile with tears. I just Thank God for giving me such a precious gift and hugging my son.

Today I want to share with you, look around your hope is with you, open your eyes you can see.

He is 5 so he makes the speeling don’t go missing e just feel the imotions๐Ÿ˜Š

Fun in the life #12

We need to teach our kids about everything, sometimes the most difficult one in the simplest form. The same happens to me.

Last night my son ask How come dada is a husband and I am a son, we both are boys๐Ÿค”

Me: I marry him so he is my husband one day you will get married so you become a husband.

My son: Whom I am going to marry?

Me: A girl, whom you like, love. She loves you, care for you.

My son: No I don’t want to marry, I already married with you. You are not dada’s wife you are my wife.

I feel happy but then I did something which he is not going to forgive me in the future. I make a video of all this conversation and decided that whenever he will come to me with his would-be then I will show him this video and deny his marriage saying you are already married๐Ÿ˜‚

If something happens with you, do share. Keep enjoying life๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

My first Hindi poem… Duri

Hum sath hai
Raat din subha shaam
Hum sath hai
Tum office ke kaam me
Mai ghar ke sath mashgul
Hum sath hote hai table par
Par TV.. bacha.. bi sath hai
Hum har paal sath hai
COVID ne humra sath or bi bada Diya
Ab to charo pahar hum sath hai
Phir…. Phir bi wahi shikayat…
Phir bi wahi kasmkash…
Muje tumhara sath Mila
Par waqakt nhi
Tum dekh sakti par kha kuch nhi sakti
Tum sath hokar bi door ho
Tum ho mere aas pass
Par awaz dekar kuch kha nhi sakti
Ab to phone bi nhi ki puch lo
Aaj kab aauge
Mere sath hi ho
Par Is sath me wo sath khi chot gaya
Wo intazaar khi chala gaya
Ab to baat karne ko kuch nhi
Par bhut kuch khna hai
Shikayte hai, shikwa hai
Par khne ko shabd khi kho gaye
Jane kyu is sath se wo apnapaan khi kho gaya
Kese kho tumse ki
Aaj mai tumhe dekh choo sakti hu
Par kuch kha nhi sakti
Jaane kyu……..

Scared ?

I am scared, very much scared with this corona. I am frustrated, tired. Don’t know what to do.

Everyone advised some says take precautions all will be good, so what are the precautions Don’t go out, use a mask, don’t have life.

Some say live your life, the corona is not that much impacted, when I ask, people, kids are dying and being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister I am not ready to lose my loved one or don’t want to leave them alone.

Some say trust in God, yes I do but when I see hospitals, crying, my beliefs start falling. Yes God is among us what if God is trying to erase us and try to get new humans, trust me I have many more thoughts like that.

I took all precautions, then I have to go to the society, for the first birthday of your near one, the marriage of your close one, celebrate the special days which is important for your loved one but you are asking for a virtual celebration and nobody understands you, they forced you to join it and the best thing they say to convince you what if it is the last one. That dame excuse shattered you, you want to join but you don’t want to expose. Especially don’t want to expose your kid to that virus.

Your baby who becomes toddlers now they are missing their childhood in the home. Your 5-year-old kid knows about corona but does not know how to play with friends. For him, friends are like cocomelon. How painful it is. When you allow to play him with other kids and then he sneezes with normal cold and other kids’ parents stop their kids to play with him, it is not their fault but this is happening.

This is all thoughts and no solution and end of the day only one thing please God please make this corona thing disappear or give us a solution. I want to enjoy the happy moment with family, friends now no more virtual world. Want to go them, hug them, hold them.

I am waiting for the morning when no mask, no bad news, I can see the smile, kids playing together, parks are full, I know this time will pass, we are human, we know fighting, we will win. It’s good to talk, yes every one somehow scared, we are here for each other, I shared with you, if you want I am here, Maybe I have nothing to say but you feel relief after sharing like me. Thanks for listing me ๐Ÿ™‚